Emergency Boyfriend
by aceoftwos
Summary: In which Kaito needs a date and accidentally texts a stranger.
1. i swear i'm not a murderer

**ch1** : i swear i'm not a murderer

* * *

 **?** : pls tell me u rnt busy tmrw.  
 _received Friday at 1:32pm._

 **?** : THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. ANSWER ME.  
 _received Friday at 1:32pm._

 **?** : IK WHERE U LIVE.  
 _received Friday 1:33pm._

 **K.S.** : Wrong number.  
 _sent Friday at 1:34pm._

 **?** : oh god. sry new phone. ur # is almst the same as my friends.  
 _received Friday at 1:34pm._

 **K.S.** : I assumed as much.  
 _sent Friday at 1:35pm._

 **?** : chngd my mind. r u busy tmrw?  
 _received Friday at 1:57pm._

 **K.S.** : Why?  
 _sent Friday at 1:58pm._

 **?** : do u want 2 show up my bday party and pretend 2 b my date so aoko stops trying 2 hook me up w/ random ppl? id owe u.  
 _received Friday at 1:59pm._

 **K.S.** : Do I need to point out how stupid this is? I could be a murderer for all you know.  
 _sent Friday at 1:59pm._

 **?** : im desperate.  
 _received Friday at 2:01pm._

 **K.S.** : Deseperate enough to text a potential murderer?  
 _sent Friday at 2:03pm._

 **?** : u dont understand.  
 _received Friday at 2:04pm._

 **?** : shes trying 2 set me up w/ hakuba rn. my arch enemy. i mean hes hot but no.  
 _received Friday at 2:04pm._

 **K.S.** : Hakuba Saguru?  
 _sent Friday at 2:08pm._

 **?** : ye. he keeps trying 2 arrest me. thinks im kid.  
 _received Friday at 2:09pm._

 **K.S.** : Who's Kid?  
 _sent Friday at 2:09pm._

 **?** : HES ONLY THE GREATEST THIEF OF THIS CENTURY.  
 _received Friday at 2:11pm._

 **K.S.** : Well, that answers my second question.  
 _sent Friday at 2:11pm._

 **K.S.** : Can't you just ask your friend to stop setting you up?  
 _sent Friday at 2:15pm_.

 **?** : shes stubborn & wont listen 2 logic.  
 _received Friday at 2:18pm._

 **K.S.** : I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but sure. I'll come.  
 _sent Friday at 2:19pm._

 **K.S.** : It's not like I have anything better to do tomorrow.  
 _sent Friday at 2:19pm._

 **?** : !  
 _received Friday at 2:20pm._

 **?** : omg ur a lifesaver holy shit.  
 _received Friday at 2:20pm._

 **?** : were meeting at the restaurant on kappei st.  
 _received Friday at 2:20pm._

 **K.S.** : What time?  
 _sent Friday at 2:21pm._

 **?** : 4:30  
 _received Friday at 2:22pm._

 **?** : idk how long the party will b.  
 _received Friday at 2:22pm._

 **K.S.** : That's fine.  
 _sent Friday at 2:25pm._

…

 **M.R.** : Sonoko invited us to a gallery opening tomorrow. Dress nice.  
 _received Friday at 4:18pm._

 **K.S.** : What time?  
 _sent Friday at 4:19pm._

 **M.R.** : Five o'clock.  
 _received Friday at 4:20pm._

 **K.S.** : Can't. I'm going on a date, sort of.  
 _sent Friday at 4:27pm._

 **M.R.** : WHAT. With who? Where?  
 _received Friday at 4:27pm._

 **M.R.** : ANSWER YOUR PHONE.  
 _received Friday at 4:32pm._

 **M.R.** : Don't make me come over there!  
 _received Friday at 4:35pm._

 **…**

 **missed call from** : Mouri Ran

 **voicemail** : "Shinichi, unlock the door, you're being childish! Just tell me who it is! Whe—you hid the spare key! Was that really necessary? ...Fine, be like that. But I expect details later! You can't hide forever."

 **…**

 **K.S.** : I'll talk to you on Sunday. We're meeting up anyways.  
 _sent Friday at 5:30pm._

 **M.R.** : …Fine. But you're buying lunch.  
 _received Friday at 5:31pm._

 **K.S.** : I was going to anyways.  
 _sent Friday at 5:33pm._

 **M.R.** : Don't get smart with me, you're on thin ice as is.  
 _received Friday at 5:33pm._

 **K.S.** : Sorry.  
 _sent Friday at 5:34pm._

 **…**

 **S.S.** : is your date hot?  
 _received Friday at 5:40pm._

 **K.S.** : …Ran told you.  
 _sent Friday at 5:42pm._

 **S.S.** : duh.  
 _received Friday at 5:44pm._

 **K.S.** : I don't know.  
 _sent Friday at 5:45pm._

 **K.S.** : If he's hot, I mean. I haven't met him.  
 _sent Friday at 5:45pm._

 **S.S.** : ooh, scandalous. what would your fans think?  
 _received Friday at 5:46pm._

 **K.S.** : I will snap chat you a picture of him when I get there if you shut up.  
 _sent Friday at 5:47pm._

 **S.S.** : done.  
 _received Friday at 5:47pm._

 **…**

 **?** : oh btw im kuroba kaito.  
 _received Friday at 6:02pm._

 **K.S.** : Kudo Shinichi. Nice to meet you.  
 _sent Friday at 6:18pm._

 **K.K.** : nice 2 meet u 2. see u tmrw.  
 _received Friday at 6:19pm._

 **…**

 **K.S.** : I might be late. I have a tendencies to run into dead bodies.  
 _sent Saturday at 4:06pm._

 **K.K.** : pls tell me ur not actually a serial killer.  
 _received Saturday at 4:07pm._

 **K.S.** : I'm not a serial killer.  
 _sent Saturday at 4:07pm._

 **K.K.** : good.  
 _received Satuday at 4:08pm._

 **K.K.** : y r u running into dead bodies?  
 _received Saturday at 4:08pm._

 **K.S.** : I'm a homicide detective.  
 _sent Saturday at 4:10pm._

 **K.S.** : Someone just got murdered, down the street from the restaurant. I'm sorry.  
 _sent Saturday at 4:10pm._

 **K.K.** : u werent kidding. im heading over 2 pick u up.  
 _received Saturday at 4:15pm._

* * *

 _1\. yes, kaito actually txts like that. it drives hakuba up the wall, which is a big part of why he does it._

 _2\. ran has a bit more patience than aoko. she's been subtly hinting that shinichi should try dating but hasn't said anything overt yet. sonoko, on the other hand, constantly snap chats him pics of cute boys and teases him about how he needs to find himself a boyfriend. shinichi just rolls his eyes and snap chats her exasperated faces and snide remarks._

 _3\. shinichi is ridiculously bored most days. you can only reread sherlock holmes so many times before it starts getting repetitive, as much as he loathes to admit it. so he kinda figured wth, why not. let's go be someone's fake date._

* * *

 **an** : okay, so as usual ffn has messed up my formatting. why. what have i done to deserve this. it looks better on ao3. sigh. anyways. 2nd chap coming, idk when.

 **edit** : that last txt from kaito at 4:08pm is supposed to read 'wait why are you running into dead bodies?' in txt speak but ffn is being a dick.


	2. i'm a child at heart

**ch2** : i'm a child at heart

* * *

It's raining by the time I solve the case. I promise the Inspector I'll write up my report and send it to him tomorrow morning then head out the door. It's 4:46pm and I'm late. That's nothing new, really, but I was hoping to make a good first impression. Too late for that, I suppose.

I crash into someone as I walk out of the boutique and stumble backwards into the doorway. A hand (attached to a man about my age and height) steadies me. "Kudo Shinichi?" I nod, and it's difficult to tell because of how hard it's raining but I think he's smiling. "I'm Kuroba Kaito. Wrong number guy. Nice to actually meet you in person."

My eyes are slowly adjusting to the lack of visibility but I still can't make out any distinct features. "Hi. Uh, Kudo Shinichi. Your emergency boyfriend. I guess." He grabs my elbow and steers me down the street.

"Hello, Shinichi! Can I call you that? It'd be weird not to, considering we're supposed to be dating."

"Sure, I guess."

"You say 'I guess' a lot."

"I guess I do."

"So we should probably get our stories straight. Gay. Whatever. So. I'm thinking we met at the park and my birds got very attached you you. Did I mention that I'm a magician? I have doves. They're lovely, very smart. You'll meet them later." He—Kaito—is talking a mile a minute, making wild hand gestures I can just barely make out. I'm beginning to regret this. "We've been dating two weeks, I think."

I ask dryly, "Anything else I should know?" Is he trying to tell me his whole life story in five minutes?

"Aoko will tell you that I'm also a shameless flirt. Here." He pulls a red rose out of thin air and hands it to me. I consider it for a moment then tuck it into my breast pocket and hope it doesn't get crushed. "What about you? Anything I should know about?"

"There isn't really much to say. I'm a freelance detective, I consult with Division One in Beika."

"C'mon, you gotta give me more than that. Hobbies? Favorite color? Weird kinks?"

"My job _is_ my hobby. When I'm bored, I solve cold cases. I like the color blue." He looks expectant, so I school my expression into something as neutral as possible before I answer, "Bondage."

He sounds utterly delighted as he asks, "Really? Awesome. We're gonna get along just fine." I'm not sure he realizes that I was joking.

"If you say so." The restaurant is just up ahead so I step a bit closer and hold his hand. "Is that okay?"

He squeezes my hand gently in response and pulls me inside. It's not raining in here, I like it already. The host directs us to a table at the back. There are three people already sitting down: a woman that looks startlingly similar to Ran, another woman whose hair is an alarming shade of red, and Hakuba. Hakuba looks surprised to see me. Which is fair, since I'm still sort of surprised that I'm here.

The first woman squeaks out, " _Kudo Shinichi_?!"

"Uh, yes? Nice to meet you..?"

"BaKaito! You can't just casually introduce some minor celebrity as your boyfriend!"

"You didn't actually give me a chance to introduce him," Kaito points out.

"You didn't have to," she exclaims, "his face is plastered all over the news! He's Kudo Shinichi! Y'know, the saviour of the Japanese police, the modern Holmes, the detective of the East."

"She's right, you know," I say mildly. "You probably should have warned them." Though judging by his face, I'm not sure he knew about it until just now. His cover up is surprisingly good, I'm not sure I would've noticed if I wasn't looking for it. Dad would say he has a good poker face.

Kaito turns to me, his tone plaintive, and asks, "Aren't you supposed to be on my side?"

"You should know by now that I'm always on the side of logic."

"Somedays I think you love logic more than you love me."

"I do." If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was genuinely hurt. I roll my eyes. "Relax, I'm kidding. You're stuck with me for the foreseeable future. Unless you commit murder, then you're on your own."

"Ooh, are you going to put me in handcuffs?"

His smirk makes it blatantly obvious that he's referring to my earlier comment. I reply blandly, "You wish."

"Maybe. Either way, you already know _all_ about my childish pursuits and you haven't arrested me yet. I'm not too worried." It takes a few seconds for me to connect the dots. Hakuba grasps it instantly and starts staring in my direction, looking shocked and a bit appalled. Kaito smiles innocently. "Something you want to say, Haku- _chan_?"

"You know," he whispers. It sounds more like a question.

I merely raise an eyebrow. "Know what?"

"Kuroba is Kid."

"Is he? I don't think that's what he said."

Kaito grins and Hakuba leans back in his chair, looking aggravated. Both women seem exasperated but resigned, like this is perfectly normal. Something tells me that dinner is going to be interesting.

* * *

 _1\. hakuba isn't exactly trying to catch kid anymore, but he's still kinda mad that he can't prove anything._

 _2\. akako and aoko are def dating. the 'let's rent an apartment together and make hot chocolate at 3am and watch stupid movies together as an excuse to cuddle' kind of dating. it's sort of sickeningly cute. sometimes, in the middle of the night, akako wakes up and worries that everything was a dream. worries that she'll wake up alone. she never does._

 _3\. shinichi completely forgot to snapchat sonoko and she's probs gonna make him go shopping w/ her and carry her bags as punishment. he'll deny it if ever asked, but shinichi actually doesn't mind shopping w/ sonoko. she's good company._


	3. epilogue

**ch3** : epilogue

* * *

 **K.S.** : Dinner wasn't quite what I expected.  
 _sent Saturday at 9:08pm_.

 **K.K.** : is that good or bad?  
 _received Saturday at 9:08pm_.

 **K.K.** : shinichi?  
 _received Saturday at 9:12pm_.

 **K.S.** : I'm not sure yet.  
 _sent Saturday at 9:31pm_.

 **K.S.** : What are you planning to tell your friends about me?  
 _sent Saturday at 9:34pm_.

 **K.S.** : What should I tell Hakuba?  
 _sent Saturday at 9:35pm_.

 **K.K.** : idk? i wasnt rly thinking about it?  
 _received Saturday at 9:36pm_.

 **K.S.** : You realize that they're going to get suspicious if I never show up again, right?  
 _sent Saturday at 9:40pm_.

 **K.S.** : They're going to ask questions.  
 _sent Saturday at 9:40pm_.

 **K.K.** : uuuugh dont remind me.  
 _received Saturday at 9:47pm_.

 **K.K.** : im sorta hoping it all jst goes away.  
 _received Saturday at 9:47pm_.

 **K.S.** : You'll have to tell them eventually.  
 _sent Saturday at 9:59pm_.

 **K.K.** : ik.  
 _received Satudary at 10:18pm_.

…

 **K.K.** : r u awake?  
 _received Monday at 2:03am_.

 **K.S.** : It's two in the morning, Kuroba.  
 _sent Monday at 2:05am_.

 **K.S.** : I have to work in four hours.  
 _sent Monday at 2:06am_.

 **K.K.** : can i call u?  
 _received Monday at 2:06am_.

…

 **calling** : Kuroba Kaito

"What do you want, Kuroba?"

" _Can we talk?_ "

"We're talking right now, aren't we?"

" _You know what I mean._ "

"Yes. Fine. Make it quick."

" _Do you think we could try going out? Not as my emergency boyfriend, as my real boyfriend._ "

"I…"

" _It's okay to say no._ "

"…"

" _Shinichi, say something. Please?_ "

"…Fuck. Ugh. Come over here. We need to talk and I'm not doing this over the phone, and I'm definitely not having this conversation without coffee."

" _Is that a 'yes'?_ "

"It's a 'maybe'. Just get over here."

…

 **K.K.** : ill be over in 20.  
 _received Monday at 2:37am_.

* * *

 _1\. shinichi said yes, eventually. (after like 5 cups of coffee and a serious talk.)_

 _2\. shinichi also called in sick and they spent most the of the day talking and getting to know each other well enough that ppl were actually convinced they'd been dating for the two weeks they'd claimed instead of the reality, which was like maybe 8hrs. except sonoko, ofc, who already knew that shinichi hadn't met him before._


End file.
